SEX & WOMENSEX
Her Deepest, Darkest (and Hottest!) Sex Secrets Revealed
What you don’t know could be sabotaging your sex life. But what you’re about to learn could help you discover untapped pleasure.
BY LAURA ROBERSON
“I like being spanked. A lot.”
We women like to keep a few secrets. But holding back too much is like wearing a bra while having sex—we know that baring all gives guys a more honest (and hotter) perspective.
That’s why Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., a professor of sexuality at Indiana University, invites her students to anonymously submit sexual secrets to her Tumblr blog, IUSecrets. “The beginning of a relationship is about ‘impression management’—trying to look attractive, to be smart and interesting,” she says. “But to create connection, we need to be vulnerable. Revealing secrets lets people do that.”
And it can be pretty hot. When we asked women to spill their sex secrets and desires, threesomes and orgies showed up a dozen times. Girl-on-girl was a common theme. Then there were the sexual sleights of hand: infidelity, fake orgasms, no orgasms at all. (We hope your wife’s name isn’t Jennifer. See the third quote below.)
Here we divulge 41 of women’s steamiest, raunchiest, and yes, most disturbing secrets—and help you strip down your own sex life so the only secret in her closet is Victoria’s.
“I asked a man to move across the country with me, with no intention of marrying him.”
“I want to make a game out of initiating sex in public places, where some earn more points than others.”
“I had my first real orgasm this summer. I’ve been married nearly 15 years.”
“I’ve had two threesomes, same girl.”
“Before I start dating a new guy, I do an unhealthy amount of research—Facebook, Google, LinkedIn, even criminal records. Then I casually bring up things in conversation that make him think we have something obscure in common.”
In the age of online dating, we’ve begun measuring compatibility by obscure common interests. (“OMG, she loves truffle fries too!”) Resist that urge. “If you’re a little different, you learn new things. Your world expands,” says Herbenick. “Show her all sides of you, and she may be intrigued by something that never even occurred to her.” It’s okay to do some YouTube research, say, for the sake of conversation. But draw the line at pretending that you, too, are dying for a Spice Girls reunion. You’re not fooling anyone.
“I lost my virginity on a one-night stand . . . and I don’t think that’s such a big deal.”
“I will always do it better myself.”
Stop thinking of her solo time as her fingers versus your unit. The difference is more likely mental: “Women often experience tension when receiving stimulation, which delays orgasm,” says Brandy Engler, Ph.D., a sex therapist in Los Angeles. Mimic the physical aspects of her masturbation (e.g., lie beside her so the angle is similar), but don’t let her retreat to her own fantasyland. Women link great sex with staying present, says Engler–“not because the orgasm is better but because there’s more passion and connection.” (But in case her vibrator does leave you feeling threatened, here are 5 ways to outperform her battery-operated beau.)
“I’ve never had a real orgasm. I fake it every time.”
“I want to watch him masturbate.”
“Watching porn turns me on. Something about seeing a woman naked excites me.”
“I visualize women when I masturbate.”
“I frequently flirt heavily with strangers to make sure I’ve still got it, even though I’m in love.”
“You’re beautiful” sounds different coming from another man’s mouth. “W omen often don’t trust compliments from their partner,” says Marianne Brandon, Ph.D., coauthor of Reclaiming Desire. “They think, ‘You love me, so of course you feel that way.’ A compliment that comes from a stranger may feel more validating.” Try turning it into foreplay: Suggest she flirt with someone non-threatening, like the bartender (he’s used to it), and watch from afar for a voyeuristic thrill, says Brandon.
“I’m worried that we pushed things too far too fast, but I don’t know if we can survive toning it down between the sheets.”
“I stripped on amateur night at a strip club.”
“My boyfriend knows I have a vibrator but not how often I use it. Our sex life is great, so I’m afraid I’ll throw it off if I tell him.”
This may be one secret she enjoys keeping. In a Journal of Sexual Medicine study, more than two-thirds of women said their guy would probably be okay with their vibrator, yet they still keep their toy a secret. To feel her out, “start with something positive—’I think the idea of a vibrator is sexy.’ Then ask if she uses one and if she’s open to using it together,” says Herbenick. If she’s game, start with the Silver Bullet—it’s about 5 bucks, has a multispeed dial, and is small enough to fit closely between your bodies. (Pro tip: If she likes the Silver Bullet, then upgrade the fun with these other couple-friendly sex toys!)
“I’m great at phone sex.”
“I secretly want to have sex with a woman.”
Nearly one in seven straight women admit to being attracted to other women, a Cornell study found. So why hasn’t your GF fessed up to lesbian fantasies? ” She may be afraid you’ll be turned on by the idea of another woman,” Engler says. “That’s often what compels women to keep this inside their masturbation world.” Your play: Frame fantasy sharing as an intimacy builder, not a source of inspiration, so she knows that it’s her hot thoughts—not the prospect of a third party—that thrill you.
About 10 percent of the women we surveyed told us their roster of partners is their biggest sexual secret. On this one, don’t force full disclosure. “You don’t need to know specifics—’Tom had the biggest penis; they did it 10 times in one day,'” says Linda Banner, Ph.D., author of Advanced Sexual Techniques. Just ask for the CliffsNotes version of her history, focusing on her, not the men. “Find out what felt good to her, what fostered feelings of sexual satisfaction and intimacy—and what didn’t,” says Brandon.
“I fantasize about other men all the time.”
Is her fantasy man Brad Pitt or her tennis coach? Doesn’t matter. “Most people have fantasized about someone other than their partner. That’s not a concern,” Herbenick says. “The question is, does she also fantasize about you?” In a University of Vermont study, a third of women’s fantasies were about another dude, but their partner was the star the rest of the time. A bad sign: “If you just lay there rubbing each other’s genitals, you’re both probably in fantasy,” says Engler. “That’s not passion.”
“I’d like to have sex more often if it weren’t so meaningless or chorelike. Seduce me, turn me on!”
Sexual boredom may seem as certain as middle-age spread. But just as bad habits inflate your spare tire, laziness may be to blame for a dying sex life. In a British study, women said men taking sex for granted was a major cause of sexual boredom. That’s when duty sex begins—and her libido fades. If you amp things up, she’ll want to pursue you. So give her a massage, go out dancing, tell her when you fantasize about her—all powerful cues for her arousal, a University of Texas at Austin study found. (And while you’re at it, make sure your sex drive is up to speed by fueling with these libido-friendly foods.)
“I would daydream about you, but you don’t fulfil my desires and fantasies in bed. I wish you had a little Christian Grey in you.”
“I prefer the friends with benefits arrangement.”
“I cheated on my ex, and that’s why we broke up. My boyfriend of 2 years doesn’t know because I don’t want him to think I would do it again.”
Once a cheater, always a cheater? Not necessarily. But you still need to fill each other in on prior infidelities. “You need to both feel confident you know why it happened so you feel confident you can prevent it,” says Brandon. Banner adds: “You should worry only if she hasn’t connected the dots—’This is what I learned, and this is why I did it.'” Even if you’ve both been faithful, talk about temptation every 6 months, says Brandon. ” This keeps things from becoming secretive.”
“I want to be tied up and not know what’s coming next.”
“I still check my ex-boyfriend’s e-mail.”
“I want to have sex in the same room as another couple.”
“I slept with my boyfriend’s brother.”
“I’m not a fan of receiving oral—even when it’s good.”
“I check his phone/e-mail all the time. I know it’s bad, but I have to ‘fact-check’ every guy I date.”
“I thought it would hurt less to tell someone I had too much on my plate at work and school than to admit that I no longer found him attractive.”
“I don’t do nice. I don’t want it nice. I like it dirty every single time.”
“I was constantly sexually suggestive to my ex-boyfriend’s roommate, and it would get me so hot and bothered, I’d immediately need my ex to do me in the closest possible proximity to the roommate.”
“I had sex nine times in one day.”
“I slept with one guy while dating another. Both in a 24-hour period.”
“I clawed into his back not because I wanted him more but because I knew it would turn him off—because he wasn’t turning me on.”
“I have an ongoing sexual relationship with a married couple on the side.”
“I once went on a date with a girl I met on Craigslist!”
“It turns me on when a guy takes control. It turns me off when he tries to control my life outside the relationship.”
“I love the idea of getting caught in the act in a public place.”
“That ‘move’ that you have that makes me scream your name? Yeah. It sucks. I screamed out once because I wanted it to end, and now I’m stuck pretending I like it.”
Brace yourself for an ego killer, guys: Two-thirds of women who yell their partner’s name, moan, or scream during sex do it just to speed things up, say British researchers. Unfortunately, “there are no good physical signs women are faking it,” says Herbenick. ” Not everyone has sex flush or noticeable contractions.” Instead of playing Sherlock in the sack, regularly engage with her about what feels good, Brandon says. “As the relationship evolves, women often start to like new things anyway.”